The Truth

I doubt it will set me free but I suppose it is worth trying.

Right here in my right hand is a small sliver, a glimmer of a thing. It was once huge and presumptuous. But now it is so tiny that mostly I can pretend it is isn't there. But it is there. A sliver of hope. Useless hope, fruitless hope. A sliver that when not ignored stings; stings and hurts.

I wanted a daughter. I wanted a daughter all along. Since I was a little girl obsessed with dolls and real babies... Since I was a 'tween who loved to draw pictures of girls in dresses and imagine a future with two daughters and one son. Two daughters so maybe I could learn what the sister thing was all about. I wanted a daughter and I just assumed I would have one. Assumed it to such an extent that I didn't consciously want one. I think at some level I thought girls were the default gender.

It never occurred to me that I wouldn't have a daughter until I had my detailed ultrasound when I was pregnant with Quinn. When I was pregnant with Quinn I thought I was having a boy. But when the tech told me he was a boy I was a little taken aback because I just assumed everyone including me had girls. Assumed it without knowing I was assuming it... because if I thought really hard about it my family and Brett's families are full of boys. Also filled with single gender families.

Before we began to try for a second child I had done some reading on gender swaying. And we sort of, kind of tried that with Evan. With Evan I thought signs were pointing to another boy. I remember my Mom saying she saw a pink glow around me when I headed out to my second detailed ultrasound. It must have been me that was glowing pink because we found out once again we would have a son. I was disappointed and I was afraid that I would never have a daughter... for the next 22 weeks of my pregnancy I dealt with gender disappointment, mostly silently. When Evan was born with his fractured skull I felt as though the universe were punishing me for wanting a girl and for not being content to have a healthy baby... because of my disappointed feelings both Evan and I were punished. When he was fixed and healed the focus was on getting to know him and coming to know he would be okay.

But the gender disappointment returned. I wondered and I still wonder why the universe or God or whoever doesn't want me to have a daughter. All of my friends have a daughter or two... so why not me. When I think about WHY I want a daughter the reasons are mostly stupid. To give her the things I missed in my girlhood... and most of the things I missed were really just things. It is stupid to want a daughter so that you might buy her dresses and dolls and braid her blonde hair. Stupid reasons. Stupid but none the less the wanting doesn't go away even with the knowing that it is stupid.

Before this pregnancy I read books on gender swaying. Read online forums about gender swaying. I looked into the Microsort option and PGD options in the United States. In the end when started to try for baby number 3 we didn't try anything too interesting or drastic. Nothing that didn't involve a calender, a trip to the drugstore or a change of frequency. Yes TMI... but this is all TMI.

Yesterday, I had what should be my last ultrasound before baby #3 is born. Everything went fine. The estimate is that the baby isn't big and doesn't have a big head. The ultrasound tech. made an effort to keep the sex a secret, turning the monitor away when she had to measure the baby's bum. But then next she said the baby is sucking away and I asked on what and she said trying to find HIS fingers. HIS fingers. Not IT'S fingers but HIS fingers. I didn't cry this time after the tech slipped, not like in January when the tech's blathering on about how great three boys are left me weeping.

But still, now I sit here feeling the sliver again. Trying not to rub at it, trying not to think about it and make it worse. such useless, fruitless hope. And all dashed. Sure I could be wrong... sure I could be reading something into nothing. Nonetheless I have feelings I don't want to have. I know I will love and adore and nibble and squish a third son. I know that more than anything I just want a child that is well and healthy.

I know a lot of things. I know that there is a sadness in my heart that I really wish would just go away.