I am knee deep in laundry and toys and cooties. By cooties I mean whatever it is that gives little boys fevers and keeps them home from school.
I am trapped under a 15 pound baby girl who loves to cuddle.
I am wrapped up in her sweet, silly smile.
I am cheering on my husband who got a promotion to management.
I am staring at my post-baby belly and baby-like thighs that won't go away.
I am watching Glee and The Big Bang Theory.
I am listening to my sons talk about hockey.
I am talking to myself.
I am not blogging. Because I rarely have free hands... or free time.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
To Quinn: What you did this summer
This summer did not turn out like I expected but what does. For better or worse things are rarely what I expect... oh, but before I get melancholy or philosophical... let me get back to my point.
I feel badly that we, as a family, did not do anything terribly exciting this summer. Having a new baby is kind of like having one of those ankle monitoring devices they give parolees... in that both keep you pretty close to home unless you don't mind a bit of trouble.
I feel badly mostly that Quinn's first real summer off from school wasn't all that exciting. Though I am pretty certain it was more exciting than all of my childhood summers combined and multiplied by ten. I know he won't remember this summer so I am going to make a list of what he did. Mostly to prove to him I wasn't that bad a parent when he is thirty and in therapy harping on about what a nag I was about the state of his bedroom and his disinterest in reading.
So my dear Quinn this is what you did this summer:
1) Two weeks of half day golf camp - one week with your friend Jack.
2) Many trips to the driving range to hit golf balls and you played your first ever round of golf.
3) A visit to Nascar Speedtrack where you rode a go cart with your Auntie Katherine who visited for 2 weeks from Montreal.
4) A mini-holiday to Kingston where you stayed at a hotel that had a waterslide - you went on your first real waterslide.
5) A mini-holiday to Niagara on the Lake where you stayed at a fancy hotel and had room service.
6)Many trips to the zoo with your paternal grandparents.
7) T-ball... all summer. Your team was the cup finalist. You hit your first grand slam homerun.
8) A visit to CNE and saw the Air show.
9) Lots of expensive private swimming lessons that only marginally helped you deal with your fear of getting your face wet.
10) Many hours spent at home with your mother and baby sister. In the backyard... front yard...family room watching movies. We picked tomatoes from our veggie garden. We argued a lot - don't remember that please.
I hope next summer is more magical and that time passes less quickly... but I don't expect it will.
I feel badly that we, as a family, did not do anything terribly exciting this summer. Having a new baby is kind of like having one of those ankle monitoring devices they give parolees... in that both keep you pretty close to home unless you don't mind a bit of trouble.
I feel badly mostly that Quinn's first real summer off from school wasn't all that exciting. Though I am pretty certain it was more exciting than all of my childhood summers combined and multiplied by ten. I know he won't remember this summer so I am going to make a list of what he did. Mostly to prove to him I wasn't that bad a parent when he is thirty and in therapy harping on about what a nag I was about the state of his bedroom and his disinterest in reading.
So my dear Quinn this is what you did this summer:
1) Two weeks of half day golf camp - one week with your friend Jack.
2) Many trips to the driving range to hit golf balls and you played your first ever round of golf.
3) A visit to Nascar Speedtrack where you rode a go cart with your Auntie Katherine who visited for 2 weeks from Montreal.
4) A mini-holiday to Kingston where you stayed at a hotel that had a waterslide - you went on your first real waterslide.
5) A mini-holiday to Niagara on the Lake where you stayed at a fancy hotel and had room service.
6)Many trips to the zoo with your paternal grandparents.
7) T-ball... all summer. Your team was the cup finalist. You hit your first grand slam homerun.
8) A visit to CNE and saw the Air show.
9) Lots of expensive private swimming lessons that only marginally helped you deal with your fear of getting your face wet.
10) Many hours spent at home with your mother and baby sister. In the backyard... front yard...family room watching movies. We picked tomatoes from our veggie garden. We argued a lot - don't remember that please.
I hope next summer is more magical and that time passes less quickly... but I don't expect it will.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Grade One
Tomorrow, school starts and Quinn starts grade one.
To recognize the importance of tomorrow I totally copied Nie Nie of the Nie Nie Dialogues and we had a back to school dinner in his honour and let him pick the menu. Here is his menu:
Grilled cheese (I made fancier ones for Brett and I)
Veggies and dip
Vanilla ice cream and oreo cookie crumbs
Also, I bought him a new hat and told him it was his grade one thinking cap. Nie Nie made her daughters crowns. Quinn wouldn't have appreciated the effort of a homemade crown. He did however, really like his new Toronto Maple Leafs hat. He is his grandfather's grandson.
Over dinner we also discussed a motto to guide our family during for the new school year. Here are the suggested mottos:
Brett- If you don't understand - ask.
Ms.Carson - Be patient.
Evan - Nothing. (said in a grumpy voice)
Quinn - No punching. No kicking. No slapping. No Biting
The motto we agreed upon to guide the 2009-2010 school year is: Always think before you act.
Then we discussed our wishes for Quinn for grade one. Here are our family's wishes for Quinn:
Brett - My wish is that you will enjoy and be good at reading.
Colleen - My wish is that you will always enjoy learning.
Evan - No. (said in grumpy voice) Then after a trip to the toilet... My wish is that I love that Quinn is going to school with Ajay.
Quinn - My wish is that I am excited that I will see Ajay again.
Quinn was in JK, daycare and skating with Ajay but then the next year they were not in the same class or even attending on the same days for SK... Quinn left the daycare and they changed skating classes... So we are excited he will be with friends again.
He says he isn't afraid of grade one because he has friends he knows in his class.
I remember grade one very well. I remember learning to read and loving the readers we learned with. I still find primary school readers very comforting. The way families were portrayed as happy and life as orderly was compelling and attractive to me even as a wee kid. I still love those Dick and Jane readers and wish I lived in a Dick and Jane world.
However, I learned to read in the 80's.. thanks in part to a boy named Curt and his dog Mr. Muggs. I remember our grade six helpers who helped us to read.
I hope Quinn has a good year but I don't have any particular expectations. He may or may not learn to read - I am very much "He will learn to (insert skill) eventually" type of parent.
I kind of feel that he is joining the ranks of the employed. Going to school is a kid's full time job and now my kid has that job. I hope he likes it.
To recognize the importance of tomorrow I totally copied Nie Nie of the Nie Nie Dialogues and we had a back to school dinner in his honour and let him pick the menu. Here is his menu:
Grilled cheese (I made fancier ones for Brett and I)
Veggies and dip
Vanilla ice cream and oreo cookie crumbs
Also, I bought him a new hat and told him it was his grade one thinking cap. Nie Nie made her daughters crowns. Quinn wouldn't have appreciated the effort of a homemade crown. He did however, really like his new Toronto Maple Leafs hat. He is his grandfather's grandson.
Over dinner we also discussed a motto to guide our family during for the new school year. Here are the suggested mottos:
Brett- If you don't understand - ask.
Ms.Carson - Be patient.
Evan - Nothing. (said in a grumpy voice)
Quinn - No punching. No kicking. No slapping. No Biting
The motto we agreed upon to guide the 2009-2010 school year is: Always think before you act.
Then we discussed our wishes for Quinn for grade one. Here are our family's wishes for Quinn:
Brett - My wish is that you will enjoy and be good at reading.
Colleen - My wish is that you will always enjoy learning.
Evan - No. (said in grumpy voice) Then after a trip to the toilet... My wish is that I love that Quinn is going to school with Ajay.
Quinn - My wish is that I am excited that I will see Ajay again.
Quinn was in JK, daycare and skating with Ajay but then the next year they were not in the same class or even attending on the same days for SK... Quinn left the daycare and they changed skating classes... So we are excited he will be with friends again.
He says he isn't afraid of grade one because he has friends he knows in his class.
I remember grade one very well. I remember learning to read and loving the readers we learned with. I still find primary school readers very comforting. The way families were portrayed as happy and life as orderly was compelling and attractive to me even as a wee kid. I still love those Dick and Jane readers and wish I lived in a Dick and Jane world.
However, I learned to read in the 80's.. thanks in part to a boy named Curt and his dog Mr. Muggs. I remember our grade six helpers who helped us to read.
I hope Quinn has a good year but I don't have any particular expectations. He may or may not learn to read - I am very much "He will learn to (insert skill) eventually" type of parent.
I kind of feel that he is joining the ranks of the employed. Going to school is a kid's full time job and now my kid has that job. I hope he likes it.
Did you miss us?
So it has been a month since I wrote anything. More than that because Gracie turned three months yesterday. She has fallen into a routine of sorts that includes a lot of evening cuddling. Evening cuddling means no writing unless I want to write after she has gone to bed and mostly I want to go bed once she has gone to bed. I am not complaining because I love all the cuddles... and I love a routine.. almost any routine... its all about the illusion of control. Or maybe its not but if you know what to expect, even if it is something difficult.. you can deal with it better.
Anyhow, mostly my girl needs cuddles from 8pm until she drifts off for good at about 10pm-ish. She gets up one or two times a night to feed. She sleeps on and off all morning with longer periods of wakefulness as the day progresses. She is my best sleeper so far. She has slept almost eight hours twice now. She smiles a lot but she doesn't really laugh. Instead, she kind of makes a laughing face and makes a snickering type noise. I am waiting for that squishy belly to give me a belly laugh. She is chubby and round and fairly bald, much likes her brothers were.
Each night as I drift off to sleep I think of what I would like to have written. I have ideas... and sleep erases them.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Two Months
So two months ago today Gracie was born. The shock of my life. That I would have a baby in less than two hours and without drugs... and that that baby would be a girl.
I am going to risk the fates and write it... she is a good baby. Not a crier. Just a groaner and a grunter. She sleeps pretty well for a breastfed baby. Usually only waking up one or two times a night to eat and then she goes back to sleep. She smiles and coos and is on the verge of laughter.
I would guess that she weighs about 12.5 lbs. but she has outgrown the baby scale I own and because our doctor is on summer vacation she won`t have her two months appt. for a few more weeks.
Her closet is full of pink and pale yellow and violet. Most of these lovely things gifts from people who were so excited for us to have a girl.
So far the only discernible difference between girl and boys babies is that girl babies can`t pee on you. Aside from the peeing and the clothes... no real differences. Perhaps she isn`t as voracious an eater as her brothers but she still holds her own... gaining almost 100% of her birth weight in two months.
I have lost 23 of the 40 pounds I gained during this pregnancy so far. My friend who had her baby July 15 lost 32 pounds of 40 pounds in two weeks.... now that is a lot of water retention. Conversely, I am suffering from ongoing ass retention... it runs in my family unfortunately.
Anyhow, I struggle when all three kids are home - even if I have help because the boys flock to me, climb on me, fight for my attention and for Gracie`s attention too. The fighting and flocking are a bit much for a person who hates chaos. But mostly it is fine.
It will pass. Only a month until someone goes off to grade one... full day school.
Nursing is going pretty well. It is such a peaceful thing - feeding such a beautiful, wee baby. Giving her peace and contentment just by offering her my breast. I try hard to preserve the feeling and how she looks at the breast because I know this is the last time. She is the last two month old who will be entirely mine.
I am going to risk the fates and write it... she is a good baby. Not a crier. Just a groaner and a grunter. She sleeps pretty well for a breastfed baby. Usually only waking up one or two times a night to eat and then she goes back to sleep. She smiles and coos and is on the verge of laughter.
I would guess that she weighs about 12.5 lbs. but she has outgrown the baby scale I own and because our doctor is on summer vacation she won`t have her two months appt. for a few more weeks.
Her closet is full of pink and pale yellow and violet. Most of these lovely things gifts from people who were so excited for us to have a girl.
So far the only discernible difference between girl and boys babies is that girl babies can`t pee on you. Aside from the peeing and the clothes... no real differences. Perhaps she isn`t as voracious an eater as her brothers but she still holds her own... gaining almost 100% of her birth weight in two months.
I have lost 23 of the 40 pounds I gained during this pregnancy so far. My friend who had her baby July 15 lost 32 pounds of 40 pounds in two weeks.... now that is a lot of water retention. Conversely, I am suffering from ongoing ass retention... it runs in my family unfortunately.
Anyhow, I struggle when all three kids are home - even if I have help because the boys flock to me, climb on me, fight for my attention and for Gracie`s attention too. The fighting and flocking are a bit much for a person who hates chaos. But mostly it is fine.
It will pass. Only a month until someone goes off to grade one... full day school.
Nursing is going pretty well. It is such a peaceful thing - feeding such a beautiful, wee baby. Giving her peace and contentment just by offering her my breast. I try hard to preserve the feeling and how she looks at the breast because I know this is the last time. She is the last two month old who will be entirely mine.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Managing
Mostly, for me, I find the hardest thing to manage is my own expectations.
I think my teen years would have been a whole hell of lot easier if I didn't expect that I would be good at everything and if I wasn't then I was a total failure.
Becoming a parent the first time was so startling. About twelve weeks after he was born I became a little depressed and a little.. unwell. But I started talking and I had many friends in the same situation and with the talking and time it went away. But it was hard. It was hard for so many reasons but one of them was because I wasn't the mother I expected to be.
I am a mother who needs sleep. I am a mother who needs support. I am a mother who, first time around, sort of thrashed around like a woman drowning until my child slept through the night and got on a schedule. I was a mother who who didn't bond instantly with her son. I was a mother who somehow screwed up breastfeeding and found her son had weaned himself at 12 weeks of age. I was a mother who struggled and suffered when she so expected it would come naturally. I remember showering a lot because it was the only time I felt I could escape all the responsibility that had come into my life - for about eight minutes at a time. I knew someone else would take care of him because for those few minutes I was too wet and naked to be expected to deal with the baby. I remember crying in the shower.
Anyhow, the second time around I figured out the problem, aside from the fact parenting is indeed REALLY hard, was that I had expectations that weren't realistic or based on any experience. Aside from some babysitting gigs my life had been pretty absent of babies and small children. Certainly, I had never lived with a baby, not since my own brother, who stopped being a baby in 1979 - when I was five.
So second time around I decided to give myself a break and better manage my expectations. I told myself if on any given day I got the kids dressed and made the beds regardless of anything else it was a good day. No need to fret over unrun errands and dishes in the sink and toast for dinner - beds made, kids dressed = good day. And that seemed to cut it.
Anyhow, third time around, with more reasonable expectation I still have to say this week hasn't been a good one. The beds have not always been made and though the kids dress they often undress themselves too - you know, because wrestler wear nothing but underwear pulled up really high.
The last three weeks have kind of sucked. The previous two weeks we had company that was supposed to be here to help me but really wasn't all that helpful - was actually in many ways more burdensome. So I am still recovering from that. And it keeps raining here. There hasn't been much warm weather and sunshine. It has been an unusual summer.
Often I just feel like I want to be left alone. Which I suppose is pretty normal since I am almost never by myself. When the baby isn't with me the boys are. Lately, I rarely shower without an audience. But I haven't cried in the shower this time - really I haven't cried much this time around at all. Which, I suppose, is better than I expected.
I think my teen years would have been a whole hell of lot easier if I didn't expect that I would be good at everything and if I wasn't then I was a total failure.
Becoming a parent the first time was so startling. About twelve weeks after he was born I became a little depressed and a little.. unwell. But I started talking and I had many friends in the same situation and with the talking and time it went away. But it was hard. It was hard for so many reasons but one of them was because I wasn't the mother I expected to be.
I am a mother who needs sleep. I am a mother who needs support. I am a mother who, first time around, sort of thrashed around like a woman drowning until my child slept through the night and got on a schedule. I was a mother who who didn't bond instantly with her son. I was a mother who somehow screwed up breastfeeding and found her son had weaned himself at 12 weeks of age. I was a mother who struggled and suffered when she so expected it would come naturally. I remember showering a lot because it was the only time I felt I could escape all the responsibility that had come into my life - for about eight minutes at a time. I knew someone else would take care of him because for those few minutes I was too wet and naked to be expected to deal with the baby. I remember crying in the shower.
Anyhow, the second time around I figured out the problem, aside from the fact parenting is indeed REALLY hard, was that I had expectations that weren't realistic or based on any experience. Aside from some babysitting gigs my life had been pretty absent of babies and small children. Certainly, I had never lived with a baby, not since my own brother, who stopped being a baby in 1979 - when I was five.
So second time around I decided to give myself a break and better manage my expectations. I told myself if on any given day I got the kids dressed and made the beds regardless of anything else it was a good day. No need to fret over unrun errands and dishes in the sink and toast for dinner - beds made, kids dressed = good day. And that seemed to cut it.
Anyhow, third time around, with more reasonable expectation I still have to say this week hasn't been a good one. The beds have not always been made and though the kids dress they often undress themselves too - you know, because wrestler wear nothing but underwear pulled up really high.
The last three weeks have kind of sucked. The previous two weeks we had company that was supposed to be here to help me but really wasn't all that helpful - was actually in many ways more burdensome. So I am still recovering from that. And it keeps raining here. There hasn't been much warm weather and sunshine. It has been an unusual summer.
Often I just feel like I want to be left alone. Which I suppose is pretty normal since I am almost never by myself. When the baby isn't with me the boys are. Lately, I rarely shower without an audience. But I haven't cried in the shower this time - really I haven't cried much this time around at all. Which, I suppose, is better than I expected.
Monday, July 20, 2009
10 Things that are thought-like
So the thing about mothering a newborn is that is exhausting. I have found it somewhat easier with each subsequent baby but it is still bloody hard. It is something you get through. You don't thrive necessarily but you get through.
I have written exactly three blog entries in the last six weeks not because I have nothing to say but because I don't have the presence of mind to string together coherent thoughts and even if I did I don't have the time. I also rarely have two hands to type with.
So here are 10 random thought-like sentences... maybe they will be sentences maybe they will just be a random string of words - you judge.
1. I still beam when I say I had a girl. I feel a little guilty but I keep beaming.
2. I worry a lot that Gracie is going to suffer an intellectual or developmental impairment like Brett's sister. Gracie has started smiling - so a check mark goes beside that milestone.
3. We are doing the farm share thing again and I have been completely remiss in writing about it and celebrating all the great, delicious vegetable we have gotten. I tried garlic scapes for the first time. We are also getting an egg share. Cool. Right. Except I don't eat eggs.
4. I love the show the Big Bang Theory. The guy who plays Sheldon was nominated for an emmy award and he totally deserves it. He makes me laugh out loud - repeatedly - every episode... no one else in my life makes me laugh like that. Haha... see...
5. The hardest part is the sleep deprivation.
6. No.. sleep deprivation is the second hardest part of having a newborn. The hardest part is getting that newborn to fit into to the life of a family that already has two children.
7. My boys love their sister so much they want to eat her. This is stressful. They also want the same if not more attention that they got before she was born and that isn't always possible and it causes them to act out and then I want to eat them - but not in the nice way.
8. I am sick of the baby weight. The first 16 pounds melted off in two weeks and now I have 23-24 pounds puffing up my middle and bottom. I have signed up for weightwatchers online. I did this before I went back to work after Evan - it worked and I kept it off until I got pregnant again... which I suppose isn't that long but whatever.
9. My "six week" appointment is scheduled for the end of August which is 12 weeks after G's birth. My husband wonders if this means we have to delay resumption of... marital relations until after the appointment... I wonder if I care.
10. I like watching the show House between 3am-4am when G hauls me out of bed to feed her. Did I mention she is already out of our room and sleeping in her crib. Because seriously she bleats like a randy goat all night long. She grunts, groans and makes a raquet and I can't sleep with that. She is louder than her father but I have to room with him...
I think that is it... I must go to bed now while I can.
I have written exactly three blog entries in the last six weeks not because I have nothing to say but because I don't have the presence of mind to string together coherent thoughts and even if I did I don't have the time. I also rarely have two hands to type with.
So here are 10 random thought-like sentences... maybe they will be sentences maybe they will just be a random string of words - you judge.
1. I still beam when I say I had a girl. I feel a little guilty but I keep beaming.
2. I worry a lot that Gracie is going to suffer an intellectual or developmental impairment like Brett's sister. Gracie has started smiling - so a check mark goes beside that milestone.
3. We are doing the farm share thing again and I have been completely remiss in writing about it and celebrating all the great, delicious vegetable we have gotten. I tried garlic scapes for the first time. We are also getting an egg share. Cool. Right. Except I don't eat eggs.
4. I love the show the Big Bang Theory. The guy who plays Sheldon was nominated for an emmy award and he totally deserves it. He makes me laugh out loud - repeatedly - every episode... no one else in my life makes me laugh like that. Haha... see...
5. The hardest part is the sleep deprivation.
6. No.. sleep deprivation is the second hardest part of having a newborn. The hardest part is getting that newborn to fit into to the life of a family that already has two children.
7. My boys love their sister so much they want to eat her. This is stressful. They also want the same if not more attention that they got before she was born and that isn't always possible and it causes them to act out and then I want to eat them - but not in the nice way.
8. I am sick of the baby weight. The first 16 pounds melted off in two weeks and now I have 23-24 pounds puffing up my middle and bottom. I have signed up for weightwatchers online. I did this before I went back to work after Evan - it worked and I kept it off until I got pregnant again... which I suppose isn't that long but whatever.
9. My "six week" appointment is scheduled for the end of August which is 12 weeks after G's birth. My husband wonders if this means we have to delay resumption of... marital relations until after the appointment... I wonder if I care.
10. I like watching the show House between 3am-4am when G hauls me out of bed to feed her. Did I mention she is already out of our room and sleeping in her crib. Because seriously she bleats like a randy goat all night long. She grunts, groans and makes a raquet and I can't sleep with that. She is louder than her father but I have to room with him...
I think that is it... I must go to bed now while I can.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
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